Kled and Skaarl
by cant.have.a.cigar
Summary: Kled and his (semi) trusty steed Skaarl patrol the territory they "own". Kled encounter many strange trespassers which he must kill(?) and also at the same time eat tacos (yum). Kled (and Skaarl) vs. whoever I feel like writing about. and remember, these stories are: shitpost 100% quality writing 0%
1. Kled vs Yasuo

""Mmm, tacos." Kled says as he has another bite of his delicious taco. "You sure you don't want any, Skaarl?"

""SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE #$$ ^%^# #^ #^ ^% ^ #"

""SKARRL YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR #$%^* POTTY MOUTH! DON'T CUSS IF YOU DON'T WANT ONE!" Kled screams at the lizard.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"OH, THAT'S IT MISTER!" Kled says, taco shell flying out of his mouth. "NO MORE TV PRIVALEGES FOR A WHOLE MONTH!"

"Scree?"

""YES I KNOW THERE BACHELORETTE SEASON FINALLE IS TODAY! I DON'T CARE!" Skaarl's pupils dilate in fear. But, Kled doesn't know about the-

"I KNOW YOU HAVE ANOTHER #^$%! REMOTE ON YOU SKAARL! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE AWAY YOUR CHEERIO STASH AS WELL!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

"YES I KNOW ABOUT YOUR SECRET STASH! GIVE ME THE REMOTE NOW SKAARL!"

Skaarl, frozen in fear, accidentally sh%*s himself in front of Kled.

"HOLY SH-" Kled is cut off by the sound of a flute in the distance.

"WHO THE #$^% IS PLAYING THAT #$%%^ FLUTE?! SKAARL IS THAT YOUR NOSE FLUTE #$% AGAIN? IF IT IS, STOP THE #$^*%$ FLUTE NOSE!"

"SCREEEEE!"

"Wait, so it isn't you?"

"SCREE!"

"There's someone else on my land then! Wait a second... Trespassers?" Kled asks with glee in his voice.

"SCREEEE!"

"TRESPASSER!"

"SCREEEEEEE!"

"You're right, Skaarl. LET'S GO KICK SOME TRESPESSING ASS!"

"quack"

* * *

Yasuo has been wandering for years. He is desperate for a place to rest and some food. All he has is a crappy flute he occasionally plays crappy music on. Yasuo is so bored. He unzips his pants and starts to jack-

 **"TRESPASSING ASS!"** Echoes across the valley where Yasuo is. Yasuo looks up and sees dust rise in the distance. The faint outline of a rider and their steed is in the distance. _"Oh, sh**."_ Yasuo says to himself. He turns to run, sprinting as fast as he can with unzipped pants on. He really wished now that he didn't wear his spongebob boxers, but they were the only clean ones he had

He feels something latch onto the back of his pants.

"HAHAHAHA SKAARL I GOT HIM WITH MY BEAR TRAP! TAKE THAT YOU FLUTE HOBO!"

Luckily for him, it didn't latch on to his ass. Unluckily for him, his pants will be ripped off and Kled will laugh his ass off at him. Yasuo tries to stop, but it's too late. His pants rip off and he is exposed to Kled. Kled stops, frozen.

"OMG ARE THOSE SPONGEBOB BOXERS? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA ARE THOSE #$%^$# KARBBY PATTIES?! OMG WAIT IS THAT PATRICK TOO? HAHAHAHAHA SKAARL LOOK!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

" YES I KNOW YOU CAN'T WATCH SPONGEBOB TODAY BECAUSE I TOOK THE REMOTE! Wait a minute... I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR #$%^*$ REMOTE SKAARL! GIMME IT RIGHT NOW!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU SWALLOWED IT? YOU KNOW BETTER THAN THAT! ONCE WE GET HOME I WILL GIVE YOU A NICE SPANKING, YOU HEAR ME?"

Skaarl quivers in fear, but he is immortal and is only pretending to be scared . Unbeknownst to them, Yasuo has put his torn pants back on and is shuffling away in shame. As he walks away he hears, "WHADYAH MEAN WE LET HIM GO? OMG SKAARL I AM SERIOUSLY GOING TO CANCEL YOUR NETFLIX SUBSCRIPTION!"

"SQUACK!"

* * *

 **If you didn't know already, Kled is a potty mouth just saying.**


	2. kled vs mal

Kled's having a weird dream...

It starts off nice and dandy with him murdering all those folks who keep trespassing his land. Right as hes about to murder the last one, he hears a strange flute noise in the distance. Kled looks around.

"Who the hell is playing that FLUTE?!"

After hours of searching, Kled cannot locate the flute, and that is when he promptly wakes up. He turns over, and to his dismay, he finds Skaarl playing his nose flute.

"SKAARL! STOP YER GODDAMN #$%^& NOSE FLUTE!"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YER TV FANDOMS ANYMORE! JUST COME OUT WITH ME TO KILL SOM MORE TRESPASSERS!"

Kled promptly eats Skaarl's (not so hidden) cheerio stash for breakfast, and to his dismay, Skaarl shits on his hat.

"YOU DID NOT JUST SHIT ON MY #$%^* HAT!"

"SCCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Kled grabs his poopy hat and storms out of his house in rage. He's gonna kill those interlopers without Skaarl. Walking around on his land, he encounters a strange rock. He decides to shoot it.

"OW."

"HOLY LIZARD SHIT WHAT WAS THAT?!"

The rock then begins to move. It is outraged. The colossal rock throws a chunk of stone at him.

"HEY COOL DOWN YER ENGINES! I WAS JUST CURIOUS THAT'S ALL!"

Turns out, Kled accidentally shot his gun into Malphite's butthole. Whoops.

"STOP THROWING YER GOSH DARN ROCKS AT ME! I WILL HAVE TO MURDER YOU!"

"HURT."

"DDOFIODUADOSIDUIASUDFJSFJKASFKJ THESE ROCKS ARE SO BIG! STOP! I'M SORRY!"

Malphite then stops. At that same moment, he unleashes a stream of loose rock and debris from his behind and propels him towards Kled. Kled narrowly dodges it, and to his surprise, Malphite stops.

"SMELL."

"Oh, you mean this hat, Skaarl scrapped on it this mornin'. It's not too bad I think he ate too much pork last night."

Malphite, a vegan, was so mortified that he smelled dead animal in feces that he fainted.

"THAT'LL TEACH THAT ROCK A LESSON! SEE, I DON'T NEED YOU SKAARL!"

Kled walks home proudly, but as soon as he walks in his home he hears the Real Housewives of Orange County intro.

"SKAARLLLLLLLLLLLLL! WHERE DIDJA GET THAT REMOTE!"

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"I COULD NOT HAVE COME OUT OF YER BUTTHOLE!"

"SKREE?"

"OH RIGHT YOU ATE IT!"

"skreeeeeeeeee..."

"SHADDUP YER MORE STUPID THAN ME YOU DUMB LIZARD!"

"quack."


	3. THE GREAT SHOWDOWN: KLED AND JHIN

One day, Kled was patrollin' his land when he heard a strange voice speak in his head.

"I WILL MAKE YOU PERFECT."

"Huh? who said that?" Kled muttered to himself. "GODDAMN BRAIN WEASELS! SHUT THE HELL UP!" He screamed at the air.

"YOU WILL BE PERFECT."

"DAMN RIGHT I'LL BE! Finally these brain weasels startin' to make sense..." Kled said.

 _BOOM_! A loud gunshot echoed through the air. Kled looked around, annoyed.

"NOW WHO IN THE #$%^&* HELL IS SHOOTIN' A GUN ON MY PROPERTY? DIDN'T YOU SEE THE 'NO FIREARMS' SIGN UP FRONT?"

 _BOOM._

 _BOOM._

 _BO-_ "CAN YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?"

On the fourth shot, a mysterious figure appeared over the horizon. Kled couldn't quite see him, so he started walking towards him.

"HELLO THERE? YOU'LL BE SORRY FOR FIRING YOUR GUN IN MY PROPERTY! IF ONLY SKAARL WAS HERE (choked sob) WE WOULD (sniff) BUST YER ASS ALREADY!"

 _ **Four hours ago...**_

"SKAARL YOU WILL BE SORRY YOU HID THAT REMOTE!"

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"NOW DON'T GIVE ME BALK TALK MISTER! GIT OUT OF THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!" With that, Kled brandished his axe, which scared Skaarl. "YEAH THAT'S RIGHT GIT OUT THIS INSTANT OR YOU'LL GET A DISCIPLINE POKE!" Skaarl slowly walked out of the house, regretting all the things he did before. A single tear slid down his reptile cheek. Now would be a good time for cheerios-

oh wait.

Kled ate them all from his poorly hidden stash. With lizard rage filling his veins, Skaarl ran as fast away from his home as possible.

 _ **Present:**_

"CHAARRRRGEEEE!" Kled charged at the masked shooter, who blocked his axe with a traded blows, both equally matched. Suddenly, the wind shifted and a gust of wind blew Kled's poop hat odor towards the masked opponent.

"AAAGH! JHIN'S NOSTRILS HAVE BEEN RAPED BY AN UNPLEASANT ODOR!"

"Who's Jhin?"

"ME YOU BIGOT!" Kled wondered what sorta people talked about themselves in the third person besides Skaarl-

The thought of a lost Skaarl brought yet another tear to Kled's eye. Noticing the chance to strike back, Jhin struck, shooting Kled with a bullet from his gun.

"YOU WILL PAYYYYYYYYYY!" Kled took of swig of his (medicinal) mushroom juice and charged towards Jhin. Jhin lifted his cane as to block but then the cane elongated and turned into a rifle. He fired this at Kled who was stuck in a cage of blossoms.

"WHAT THE HELL? I'M (sneeze) ALLERGIC TO GODDAMN LOTUSES! (sneeze)

With a runny nose and eyes, Kled watched Jhin jump back and pull a massive rifle from his back. He aimed at Kled and-

"IF ONLY I HAD 5 MORE MINUTES MAYBE SKAARL WOULD COME BACK! STUPID LIZARD!"

"AUUGH! JHIN DISKLIKES THE NUMBER 5! ONLY 4!" Jhin flinched and completely messed up his first shot.

Kled's cage was beginning to wear off. He yelled more numbers,

" 56! 12!"

With each number, Jhin screamed in agony and fired yet another poorly aimed bullet blindly at Kled, which missed completely. Almost on Jhin, Kled yelled his last number:

"45! OH WAIT $%#% THAT HAS A FOUR!"

"YES! JHIN LIKES THE NUMBER 4! YOU WILL BE POETRY!" Jhin looked down the sights at his last shot. The performance was about to begin. He fired the last deadly shot at Kled, and at the last minute something blurred over Kled and reflected the bullet.

"SKAARL YOU DUMB LIZARD! I KNEW YOU WOULD COME BACK!"

"SKREEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"THAT'S IT BOY LET'S TEACH THIS MAN A LESSON!" Kled hopped on to Skaarl and threw one of his bear traps™ at Jhin, which latched on to his pants.

"AUGH! JHIN'S PANTS!" Jhin yelled as his trousers were ripped off him. He felt a cold draft on his behind.

"SKAARL ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I'M SEEING?" Jhin was wearing a thong with him and Shen kissing on it.

"NOO JHIN'S DIGNITY!" Jhin yelled as he collapsed, sobbing, to the floor. It was the only clean underwear he had that day. Jhin lay sobbing on the floor as Kled and Skaarl watched in pity.

"Whoah Skaarl Jhin sure knows how to use his tongue on a man."

"skreee."

"SHUT UP YOU FOOLS! JHIN DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER BOXERS TO WEAR! IT WAS EITHER THIS ONE OR THE ONE WITH ZED-"

Realizing his mistake, Jhin started sobbing even harder, only pausing to whisper "four" to himself.

"Hey Skaarl, maybe we should jus' leave this guy be"

"skree."

Kled and Skaarl rode off to the nearest cheerio mart while Jhin lay shuddering on the ground in embarrassment.

"skreee?"

"NO SKAARL WE WILL NOT BUY THE NEW SEASON OF LIVING WITH THE KARDASHIANS!"


	4. Kled vs wannabe rapper Singed

**more quality content for this quality story whoohoo**

* * *

Things were looking pretty bleak for Kled. Skaarl had finally stopped begging Kled to buy the

newest season of Living with The Kardashians, and instead was going through his "anime"

phase. Kled could not remove the image of Skaarl in a maid outfit from his mind and it was

seriously disturbing him.

"screeeeeeeeeee?"

"SKAARL I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU CALL ME 'NEE-CHAN' ONE MORE TIME I WILL LITERALLY BLOW YER #$%^ *& FACE OFF! I DON'T WANT YOU TO CLEAN THE DARN HOUSE! STOP PRETENDING TO BE A MAID!" Skaarl retreated to her corner where she passed time by screeching anime openings to herself. Luckily, Kled was too blasted to care.

* * *

 _pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft ._ The sounds of released gas was followed by thumping

footsteps. Singed was walking around in loops, oblivious to everything around him.

"bro I am beaned. What did I have last night? he he he… one more hit wouldn't matter…"

Singed muttered to himself as he took a long drag of vape. "I sure wish I could actually smoke

like all the cool chemists in Zaun, but mom won't let me buy any cigs." Singed said to himself as

he checked to see if his online rapper profile had gained more followers. Nope, he was still at 8.

Singed scanned the bleak environment around him. "What was I doing so I ended here?" he

asked himself. "No matter, I'll just ask for directions… wait I think I see a sign… maybe it'll tell

me the directions?"

Singed approached the sign

'yer death: one mile'

Singed scratched his chin while studying the sign. "I guess I'll keep walking", Singed thought to himself.'

* * *

Kled suddenly woke up from the nap he was enjoying. A strange kreening sounded in the

Distance. "SKAARL IS THAT YOU AGAIN DAMMIT? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO SHUT YER MOUTH-FLAP UP?!"

"SKREEEEE!"

"Trespassers you say? He he he…" Kled muttered to himself. "SKAARL LET'S WHOOP SOM TRESPASSING ASS!" Kled yelled as he ran outside to saddle up Skaarl.

 _meanwhile in the distance_

Singed was attempting to make a new song to impress his rap followers. Everyone saw him as

a wannabe rapper who couldn't even smoke, but he was about to prove them all wrong. "uh...

Yuh I pull up with the glock and my mom sucks my co- wait… no no no… what else rhymes with

glock?" Singed asked no one in particular while attempting to rap. Singed stopped. He could've

sworn he heard something in the distance. Was that… a theme song? He recognized the rhythm

but couldn't quite remember the name of the song.

"SKAARL I TOLD YOU TO NOT USE YOUR QUEER ASS SONGS AS OUR RALLYING CRY! NEXT TIME REMEMBER, IT'S 'KLED FINNA KILL YOU LIKE A CASHEW!'"

"SKREE?"

"NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! IT DOES MAKE SENSE, YOUS JUST TOO DUMB TO

UNDERSTAND, STUPID LIZARD!"

Singed stood in shock as the two arguing figures came into view. One was a Yordle, that was

riding some sort of lizard in a… maid outfit? "I swear my vape juice wasn't hallucinogenic…"

Singed rubbed his eyes but that just made the figures appear closer.

"SKAARL LETS KILL THIS TRESPASSER'S ASS!" Kled whooped while pulling out his axe.

Singed raised his shield, bracing for the impact that was soon to come. The axe clanged across

the shield, leaving a dent in the shield and in Singed's feelings. Singed was sworn into the "cool

rappers gang cult of rhymes" and had to speak in rhymes when he fought. He did not want to

fight, but he had to unless he wanted to end up dead.

" _You may have dented my shield,_

 _But I will have you leveled like a field!_ " Singed yelled as he charged at Kled.

"Who's this guy, some knight?" Kled asked Skaarl, who shook her head in response.

"screeeee"

"So yous saying he a rapper?"

"kree"

"Hey rapper!" Kled yelled at Singed, who stopped. "What rhymes with 'hat'?'

" _Wel_ l-" Singed was preparing to reply when Kled's shotgun blast knocked him off his feet.

"WRONG! ITS 'DEATH' ANDS I'M GONNA SERVE IT PIPING HOT UP YER ASS!" Kled yelled as he hopped of Skaarl to fight the downed man.

" _Wait_!" Singed yelled. " _Wait, let us may think you have won, but I have another trick in my sock_." Singed reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and played his top selling song.

Kled's eardrums were assaulted with the worse sounds known to man. No, not assaulted. They

were brutally raped by a tribe of african men. The low quality of the microphone used to record

Singed's voice combined with the constant stuttering the wannabe rapper made when he

rapped made Kled almost want to end himself.

" _Y-yuh, it's uh… lil' Singed, and uh… I'm h-hinged_?" Singed attemped to rap as he stood over a

cowering Kled.

" _yeah, my rhymes so uh.. slick, my uh… i'll suck your dick!"_ Singed immediately paled, as he

realized he had committed the worst crime that you could commit in the rapper gang.

He had committed the **gay**.

Kled slowly stood up, and faced Singed. "hey kid, this a gay-free zone. the punishment for being gay… **DEATH. BY SKAARL. IN MAID OUTFIT.** " Kled whispered to Singed, who kept muttering "no homo" to himself.

"SKAARL! PLEASE ESCORT THIS MAN TO THE EXECUTION TABLE!" Kled yelled at Skaarl,

who carried Singed away on her back.

Singed snapped to his senses. "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MIDGET YORDLE?" Singed yelled at

Kled. "I DON'T EVEN CARE IF I'M GAY, AT LEAST I'M NOT… UH… HOLY SUNDAY!" Singed

stammered as he attempted to roast Kled. Singed then popped the cork off the giant gas tank

that was on his back. Clouds of vape were expelled from the tank, causing Singed to be

propelled by the force of the released vape juice. Singed flew around like a balloon with its air

being let out. He flew off Skaarl's back and over the hills surrounding Kled's land from mainland

Runeterra. Kled stared in wonder, and then had a coughing fit from the peach flavored gas.

"Skaarl, let's get away from here! This #$%^'s dangerous!" Kled explained, waving his arms at

the gas.

And with that the cowardly lizard and druggie yordle rode off into the sunset.


End file.
